Saturday, 10 November 2012

resolutions

Hey guys:)
Remember how I've always stated how I want to change myself to a better human being? and made all those crazy resolutions?
Yeah, f^ck the 2012 resolutions , I know I haven't changed into what I hoped for into becoming. I haven't changed into being more considerate or try to stop myself into being over whelmed.
I have a friend, yeah a totally gorgeous, pretty, thin girl (which I have told her about a million times but she won't believe me)
We were walking down to somewhere, I think to the school library, whatever it was, ok, she hold my hand and said,

"Piqah, you got to stop being so humble," I was like what and everything, and she continued
                                                                                                           "You're too nice"
I just don't think so I'm being humble or nice or anything, not trying to brag, but I just think I'm trying so hard to make people like me and make them see I'm not a monster that they think I am from the outer looks.
Yeah, I do admit, I got this freakin face that looks horrifying and people would think what a snob I am. Well, God made me look like that so if you guys have a problem talk to my butt cuz my butt is happy being as ugly as my face.
The thing is, back in form one when I was SMJ, I got the hang in being socialize and easy going, not giving a shit what people think, but when I came to SMKBBS, all my confidences run away and hide.
I was quiet, I mean I didn't know how to start a conversation, had no friends, kept on relating to the past and blaming myself for everything.
I would literally cry every single night because of how stressed and depress I was. And my bad habit of pulling my hair out, yeah, I bet some of you didn't know I pull my hair out and have a freaking bold patch on my head, it got worse.
I couldn't deal with it. I was thinking, that I would be off better going to another school after PMR.
In the early months of 2012, a new year, people start to advise me about everything, and I would start bursting in tears because of the burden I had weighing on my shoulders. It's true, the more I kept it in, the more guilt I felt.
2012 was a lot better than 2011, but no big difference.
Just because I'm crazy, happy, smiling, and laughing til my cheeks hurt, it doesn't mean I'm all that inside.
So my 2013 resolution is to forget about the past and think about the future. no more crying. no more keeping it in. no more giving a f^ck about what people think about me.
I'll try my best to be better than I was back before. I'll make 2013 worth living :)

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