Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Twenty Thirteen

Hello friends, strangers and enemies :*

Another year has come and go. 2012 is over, done and the last chapter had come to a complete end. 2013, this is where we all start reading the first line of the first chapter of a new book. Well, this book is gonna be longer, overwhelming, full of ups and downs than the previous books.

Like any other form three, I have PMR. So it's gonna a be stressful year. If I don't walk out of the gates and into a better and more 'future realistic' school, then my parents will think something is wrong with me. I admit, UPSR God made anything happen for a student who only studied three years in primary school and still can't get an A for Bahasa Melayu. I'm thankful for that. I've been getting doubts, can I really get straight A's. I don't think so. I really do. I've been feeling like a failure since form one. Form one and two has been a rough year for me though people don't see it. I'm literelly tearing up right now. It took me a second there.

I'm gonna come clean. I want people to know me better. I want people to look at me for who I am. Not some fat kid who have facial reaction problems. I was born that way. God made me like that. Be thankful that He made you more better looking than me.

These are things you probably might not know, didn't expect that or along the way you figure I was like that:

1. Depression.
I started feeling depressed since form one. It all started out a SMJ. I didn't have friends at all. Nobody could understand me. My seniors always get annoyed when I ask 'stupid' questions, I'm serious on the studies, I did very well on the first exam nobody cared. It was never good enough. I'm never good enough. Then I moved to SMKBBS because I stressed out there, cried in the bathroom while everybody else went to the surau. I went there later on, crying as I walk there. People were almost finish, I had to do the ganti type of praying, and while I was reading my tahiyat akhir I cried till I gave out my salam. People hated me so much. I really didn't do anything. But people didn't want to interact with me. My parents don't know the reason why I wanted to get out of there, I'm the only one who got lost in generation. When I was in SMKBBS, I'm quiet, shy. When the teacher is not in the class, I'll go and study while others chit chat. I have a serious look on my face, people think differently about me. They think I'm 'belagak' 'sombong', but really  I just don't know how to socialize with others. At the end of the year, I started making friends, before this I really never had any. If I go to the canteen, I'm all alone. I feel like a loner. That's till I started hanging with Aliah and Aisyah. I practically followed them because I have no friends. So we started to get to know each other better. Najihah joins in and we all became best friends. They started to see me from a different view, not the girl they thought I was. I was never really that girl, I'm just someone who needed a hug. I literally do. I would cry every single night, telling myself how people doesn't want you, a bitch to the core, selfish, arrogant, nobody likes being friends with you. Fights with my sisters are worse. It continues till today. Depression had really got the best of me. Even my sisters doesn't know that I've been depressed. I've opened up about this about three four times already. I've even been suggested for counseling.

2. I'm a nervous wreck. I get nervous in front of teachers, sisters, seniors even a wonderful girl whose name is Amira. I tend to stutter, speak quietly, or loud but in a quick phase, smile for no reason, palms sweating.

3. I'm way to sensitive. I can't handle the truth. I get upset on the littlest things like 'you're fat', 'you're the ugliest among everybody', I pretend I don't care but I'll cry later cuz it goes through my mind all over again and again.

4.I have a bad temper. I get piss off easily on the smallest comments. I swear, throw stuff, break things, give a fit, shout.

5.I talk alot. My dad finds me annoying, Shahidah gets tired, Shahirah wants me to shut up, my mum thinks I 'buat pandai tak guna otak'.

6.I complain way to much.

7.I feel very insecure of my weight. I'm fat. I've stop eating at school since hari pendaftaraan now, I fill myself up with cold drinks or plain water. I hate myself for becoming like this. I'm trying to lose weight, eventually stop over eating. maybe stop eating.

8. I pull my hair. Yes, I have OCD. Search it up yourself. I have a bald spot on my right side of my head. I've been doing it for four years now. Maybe this year is gonna be the fifth. I stress out, I pull. I feel upset, I pull. Sometimes I pull to pass the time. I was very shameful of this act but now I don't care. Nobody's perfect though God made everyone perfect in His own ways.

I don't live a happy life. I've hated myself for a long time. I'm trying my best to improve myself. Sometimes I feel my mum and dad hates me. Regret having me as their child. I'm full of insecure thoughts. I hate it when people judge me. I'm not the prettiest, slimmest, brightest girl. But I now I am one though psychically I'm not. I'm struggling, but I'm trying my best.
I love everyone who never doubt about me, became my friend when I needed one. You're the reason why I'm still fighting <3

Just breathe Amira, everything is going to be fine. God will always loves you eventhough everybody hates you.  Just Breathe.

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