Saturday, 31 August 2013

Letting go.

I guess if we all thought about the past, it would either break us or cheer us up. It's like when you're lying on your bed, dazing up on the wall, wasting time because you're literally bored to death and then flashback occurs to you and you're cheeks starts burning red. It happens to all of us. And mostly what we rewind back of our mind is the memories that embarrass us or just makes us sad.
I guess the one thing that I haven't let go of is the fact that the death of my cat. I know we all experience death and we also witness death of animals, but when he died, I just felt so lonely ever since.
His name was Bobo. It's a stupid name I guess. My dad gave it to him because it was our official first house cat. He was a Persian with long white fur and blue eyes.
I just miss him so much. He doesn't compete my other cats. And when he was sick. He was so sick. I wanted to help him but he wouldn't allow so. I wanted to place some ointment on his wounds but he keeps backing off. It's like he doesn't want to even try. It breaks my heart to see him so weak. He can't walk. He won't eat nor drink. It's just sad to look at him especially at a state he was in.

You know how cats would go somewhere far away from the people who loves them so they can die without bothering others?
My dad jokes around that it's better he goes missing rather than us seeing him suffer.
I thought it was just a small thing. But I didn't expect him to turned out like that. When his condition got worsen, all I could do was tear up. He would cry out and I can't do anything about it.

I knew he was going to die. But I didn't knew when.

It was the day of the prefect's trip to Langkawi. I was excited. I had made sure I brought enough clothes, bring the right shoes, had all my needs ready. Going to school the next day feeling excited. Because we just finished our exams, so all we could do was just relax.
While waiting at the Jeti, I had those worried thoughts and a bad feeling in me. I really did. It felt unpleasant or was it whether I didn't ate yet. I kept quiet at most the times because something seems wrong somewhere. When the teacher allowed us to change into another school uniform to get comfortable since the ferry was arriving late, we all rushed to the bathroom as after that we needed to have lunch at the front restaurant.

Having lunch there didn't make any difference what so ever. The bad feeling was still there but I had to tell myself it was one of those silly thoughts of scenarios.

When we got onto the ferry, I honestly very pumped because it would be my very first trip that was paid, not some free trip because of a good grade. We sat at the almost back near the entrance and I sat at the sides.

I did tell my friends that I felt like throwing up but it passed when we were talking. I didn't realize I had my phone on silent until I switched it on. I had a unread message and it was from my dad. I didn't expect this to come or happen.

He said that Bobo died.

I just stepped into the ferry and everything starts from there until the trip ended.

I cried quietly until I showed the phone to my two friends whom I sat next with. One was shock because she had recently met with my cat.

I think I cried almost for fifteen minutes or more when I received the news and slept the whole journey through. But I guess I was still sniffing and tearing up once in a while during my sleep because it was a shock to me and I was utterly tired.

I didn't care that the people passing me saw how fast I slept or why the fact my other friends asked what was wrong with me. I was tired of thinking so I slept.

When I woke an hour later, we were ten minutes before arriving. My two friends asked me whether I was fine and I said I was.

And then my other friend from the side said to me "dah terima kenyataan Piqah?" she said it nicely and I just smiled and nodded.

It took time for me to forget about it for a moment. I guess the whole situation where he died at that moment made me feel rather upset and not that excited anymore through the trip. I honestly wasn't that excited nor happy for any particular reasons. Even when we went places I've never been before felt nothing to me. It was just a place. My cat just died.

He was more than any pet. He was a friend to me when I was alone at home because I had no one to talk to.

I really miss him. I really do. And at times I blame myself that I was the reason why he died.
I can't let go of him or forget about him. I keep thinking about him once in a while and it just makes me sad.

If I could talk to him just once, I would say I was sorry.

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