Saturday, 26 July 2014

Never be.


Let's take a moment, and listen along to this song.

I need your love to light up this house
I wanna know what you're all about
I wanna feel you feel you tonight
I wanna tell you that it's alright

I need your love to guide me back home
When I'm with you, I'm never alone
I need to feel you feel you tonight
I need to tell you that it's alright

We'll never be as young as we are now
It's time to leave this old black and white town
Let's seize the day
Let's run away
Don't let the colors fade to gray
We'll never be as young as we are now
As young as we are now
My heart sank and I feel the pressure in me. So far what I truly want has never really been achieved. It's not the straight A's. The fair skin. The true love. The everlasting wealth. I do want that, but it's not what I truly want.

I've promised myself this so many times, yet I've failed to achieve it. I know I'm not a failure, but at times I feel like pushing the books aside, lay my head down and close my eyes just for the sake for to take it all in.

My sister said this in the car, "Amira is going to be form 5 next year, then she's gonna finish high school and enter university. She's getting older now!"

It hit me. I'm getting older very quickly. Soon I'll be a uni student. Then I'll get married. After that, I'll start growing older and wrinklier. And then once I'm on my deathbed, I'd be wondering - how did I spend my life?

I don't want to live in a life full of regrets because I didn't achieve what I goal for. Yes there is a lot of things I want to achieve and accomplish. But there is one thing I'm wondering whether I could ever truly achieve it?

Happiness.

I know I've said this like the billionth of times, but I never was a happy kid. I guess it had always been like this ever since I was a baby. Whenever I'm happy, there would always be something that will break my joy. Always. It's like I don't deserve to be happy.

That's why after raya, when school starts I want to make a change. I swear to Allah I am. No more last minute homework, no more worrying about what people say, no more getting carried away, no more crying and useless tears, no more over thinking, no more sadness, no - I don't want it to happen again. I want to happy.

I want to be spending my life as a happy person. Be the optimistic girl not the pessimistic.

I want to change my physical outer looks and emotionally inner self. I want to be the happy go lucky girl that people love to hang around with. I want to be the person that people need in their lives. I want to grow old with means. Growing old as in that I've spent my years before with full heart. Not by looking forward another chance. NO. I'm going to grab every chance I get. Because?
We'll never be as young as we are now


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