Wednesday, 2 July 2014

The reasons why I feel numb.


and hello.

Last year, it was unbelievable. I loved it so much, I loved people a lot and I love myself more than I cared about my appearance. I'm honestly stuck with mix emotions and feelings towards people nowadays, tak kira lelaki ataupun perempuan. Let's just say from the beginning of the year, I was disappointed with the relationship of two people that vowed to love each other for eternity and ended it just after I had the best year of my life.

Last year, I made new friends. There was this guy that I helped him exit his shell, and we became close and I became close with him and this other person and I loved them like a sibling because I was lonely at home. And my concerns for them was sincere. And I kept their secrets. And I was the first to knew and to accept, and support. And last year, I was at the peak of the emotions of crushing on someone to loving. But, you know, aku tak galak, just I keep calm and fokus dalam study sebab PMR. And there was this girl - actually these girls that I had mix emotions with on friendship base. But either ways I loved them to the core because they made me laugh and I was happy. And I love Ku Rhohaimah so much last year because she understood me like my guardian. And Aisyah and Aliah, they are my everything. Their sadness are mine, their happiness are mine, and what are mine is theirs too. And I befriended with Jayshan again after all these years and I'm grateful because he is now my bestfriend along side with Afiq despite our past feuds, but that's the past.

And tahun lepas, aku gila sayang kat semua cikgu, they made me feel appreciated. And they believed in me despite how many times I doubt myself in achieving straight A's. And tahun lepas, I gained new friends with my beloved seniors, and juniors.

But that was the past okay? okay.

This year, it's a whole lot different. Tahun Honeymoon my ass. It's worrying because tahun depan dah nak SPM. Ada aku bersedia? Haram tak. Kerja sekolah tak pernah siap, yang tu pun nak kata bersedia? Jangan harap la Amira.

Sebab apa tahun ni macam tahun paling punya aku rasa gila-gila down and stupid?

Last year when I became close to him, he was like my new friend that I could relate but now, he has changed, got his ego launched to the max and it's like kita tak pernah kenal, sembang, macam aku nih benda luar biasa. And I'm angry because it makes me a bitch whenever I try. And the guy I kinda fell fall? I dah stop suka kat orang sebab I'm afraid to be hurt because of my pass experience.

Bila aku dah sayang, aku takut I'll be a disappointment. Sebab aku susah untuk ditafsirkan. I'm not the kind to always be happy. I'm hard to get. I'm the kind that people misunderstood and misjudge.

And the girls? Aku jadi meluat apabila tengok depa gedik depan tu. But my heart is not always hard, and I still love them. Pastu meluat. Pastu 'Alah, biaq pi lah kat depa, dah depa macam tu'. "Depa" tu dah berubah gila. But who am I to judge? I can just look and shut my mouth.

Yang aku paling down sebab semua orang dalam kelas aku nih, ada mak yang depa tinggal sekali.

Yang aku extra down tu bila dapat fail first time dalam hidupku yang kononya sempurna.

Yang aku paling benci tu bila dulu kawan sekarang macam anon.

Yang aku paling rimas, semua tak faham, ada yang tak tahu, mereka tak peduli.

Yang aku paling rasa macam dah give up, middle fingers everywhere tu bila aku dilayan macam sampah, ignored, like I'm a joke and being used.

And I hate myself. And like the words of Hazel Grace; I'm a grenade, and at any moment I can blow up.

And Augustus Waters pula berkata, "That's the thing about pain, Hazel Grace, it demands to be felt"

Tahun ni paling banyak nangis. I'm happy when I'm extremely happy. I'm sad mostly all the time. And sebab apa I cakap banyak? Sebab I don't want to be lonely.

I'm numb. I feel worthless for such a long time that I just don't care anymore. I'm happy to look at them be happy, even when I'm at my lowest point.

And I want to thank Ku, Jay, Afiq, Aliah, Aisyah for caring. I love you guys.

When I'm sad, I shut my system down.
And reassure myself that I deserve to be happier, that I deserve more than tears.
But then I think again and realize I'm useless,
And who am I to deserve?
And I cry more and I ask God;
"Are you mad at me?"
and answer it for Him, yes.
And I'll cry more because I start missing people I loved.
And I'll start hating myself more,
and I ask God again,
"Please love me,"
and I already knew the answer,
because I know He whispers to me;
"I'll love you no matter how much they hate you"
And I'll fall asleep.
And wake up like it was the past.
And it happens again.
The same process rewinds back.

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