Saturday, 20 June 2015

dreams and facing with reality.

Assalamualaikum and hey,

First of all, Happy Ramadan!

So, lately as SPM draws nearer; reality starts to kick in. It's like you're starting to think about your future and being realistic. If I get 9As, (I highly doubt it since I suck at physics, biology, and chemistry) would I be going to overseas and my future is bright? But if I get 5As (Insha Allah, 5As and above Amin) would I be happy and my future is bright too and have a chance to go to overseas? I really don't know, actually I have no idea. The idea is there; the dream is there, the fantasy is there but lets face it, you can only achieve it if you work hard for it. I know that I haven't been working hard this year because I slacked of last year which was my fault. What your seniors and teachers say are true. Form Four is honeymoon year and you'd regret it.

For you guys that are going to be form four next year, let me tell you before hand, HONEYMOON YEAR DOES NOT EXIST. It's should be called Culture Shock year. When you're in form four, you'll start to see things differently. People start to change, you start to change, people who you used to be so damn close with starts leaving you, your friends becomes your enemies, and the worst thing of all is that your happiness gets ripped away from you. Honeymoon year is reaffirm to how you change to become lazy. Culture Shock year is something that you never experience is now all laid down before you.

For those who've read my blog ever since I was in form one, you guys know how much I love to write, how much I love talking about inspirational things and probably I've said this a million of times what I want to do after SPM, college, university and etc but I've finally made my decision.

I want to take on mass comunication (mas comm) on journalism, publishing and books, and I know I used to say how much I hated UiTM, but to be in any college that has that course I would be very thankful. I just need to get 5A's with credit of Bahasa Malayu, Sejarah, an A+ for English, A+ for Mathematics, and A+ for Addmaths. Why? If mass comm doesn't work out for me, I'd take Mathematics teaching.

I told this to a couple of my close friends and the couple of things that I am afraid of is that my results wouldn't be good enough and that I'd choose the wrong course realizing that my true passion is... just say it's cooking (tbvh cooking is something I love to do since I've watched every season of masterchef australia and america, and my kitchen rules and the food network and I have a great fond of Gorden Ramsey and Marco Pierre White, but I'm a decent cook and I would love to study cooking but that's too much of a risk so Imma just cook for my future husband and kids) and the thing they could reply was "Kalau dah ditentu oleh Tuhan, nak buat macam mana" and well, I do believe that everything has it's reasons. Maybe I'd be much more happier than I am now.

Probably the reality of this is that I would become a journalist or maybe I'd end up becoming a housewife. But whatever it is, I only want to be happy - spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I got to say something,

I messed up last night, and I cried until my eyes started stinging, and I slapped myself until I felt numb and my cheeks gotten swollen and little bit bruised because I just hated myself for messing up and I was hating on the people around me that time. I gotten myself with suicidal thoughts, i don't know why I'm acting like this, I swear I prayed, but sometimes that I feel I'm so different than the girls I'm friends with. I feel so depressed sometimes, to think back my 17 years, I've always had problems. I don't know. I really can't wait what my future has come in stored for me, I just want to be happy.

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