Saturday, 5 September 2015

I think I'm losing my sanity.

Assalamualaikum and hey.

Trial is going to end within a couple of days, six more papers (Physics and Biology) and then we got approximately 57 days to polish, sharpen, and to wear our shields for the battlefield.

Honestly, at this moment, ya know, the time where it's getting near to a big test like UPSR and PMR I'd have so much mix emotions and thoughts about my ability to excel in the test. For instance, UPSR I was afraid as I felt like I still lacked in something especially Bahasa Melayu and that I was afraid that I'd forget everything that I learned. I remember that morning, the day of the exam and I was just anxious. And as I walked into the school grounds heading to the dewan where the teachers were handing out kismis and stuffs, I had already cried because I was so nervous. I felt that three years of studying wasn't enough for me. I teared up when we were about to go inside our class respectively and people were pulling their hands out for a high five as we walked passed. It was intimidating,  the pressure of something I never felt before, the need to make your parents proud.

I guess I had this self doubt since then, the doubt in me that I would never be good enough for my parents. Even the day of having five A's still felt like I was disappointing my parents somehow.

During PMR I was just ready to face the challenge. I was prepared from the beginning of the year, I did everything to make sure I would be just fine on the exam day. I've had people come to me in tears on how they were so afraid of the exam day and I was just so emotionless because deep down I was tired. I was tired with the continuous tuitions that went on till night time and 10 o'clock felt so late. I was tired and I wanted the exam to get over with. But when you have people around you feeling frightened you start the question yourself whether you were able to even achieve those 8A's despite how hard you work. I was already ready to tell myself that 6A's was okay. It was okay. And people around me said that I can do it, I can get that 8A's.

I remember that day when Uztazah Nashitah came into our class and she asked the targeted people what they think they can achieve in PMR and I replied 7A's and the respond was unexpected. She got mad at me for saying such thing, that I should be confident with 8As. I wasn't. I still had that self doubt in me. But I was ready.

The exam day felt like a roller coaster, I came late and within fifteen minutes I tried to read as much as I possibly could. We walked up to the dewan and I felt confident that I can do it. I'm not trying to say I was cocky, but I was prepared to face it. People around me started crying and I try not to look at them because then I'll get nervous and started to cry. Walking in the dewan felt normal, yeah a little nerves but then it was okay. I had papers that I felt that I screwed up. I had papers that I felt doubtful of getting A.

The day of the results, I came late. When I walked in the school, I saw one of my friend that was targeted for straight A's crying, I had no idea what to think about. I walked in and I sat down next to Aisyah and yes I was nervous but I promised myself not to cry.

I asked, "Have my name been called yet?"

and she said no. And she said she got 7A's 1B, and I was happy for her. Then the teacher said that they were now going to call up the straight A's student and deep deep down I knew I would get 8A's, not to be belagak or shit, but when you've work so hard to the point where sleeping at 10 o'clock felt so late, then you shouldn't be worthy of 4 A's or below. I talked to Aisyah when the teachers called names, I wanted to distract myself from crying because I felt like balling my eyes out. And when they called my name, I did the emotionless face because I just hate being vulnerable. And yes, people said I looked belagak I look like whatever with my results. But it's just the past history and sometimes I look at that straight As like nothing.

Coming near to SPM, you get all these different thoughts in your head. I've told myself from the beginning of the year that 5As is enough to be grateful about. I no longer held the concept of achieving straight As. Sometimes I feel like it's driving for perfection on a piece of paper. Yeah, congrats to those who worked hard and got straight As but for me, I'm tired of putting a big goal and being afraid of failing and disappointing my parents.

As the days come near, it's almost as if SPM is just something to get pass through. I've started to fall in love in subjects that I used to hate and I've set myself a higher goal to achieve. Before this I was afraid of my dad and what he would say if I couldn't get straight As. And I've just let myself vulnerable in front of my dad and showing that I can no longer be the girl who gets straight As. I guess he knows now and he understands how I feel and everything that is going on around me. He said, "Just do your best and the rest let Allah decide" and when he said that it made me feel like I have to get the best of the best so that I want to make him and my mom proud.

I've been thinking about all the things I wanted to do after SPM and I honestly feel like I'm the only one in class with ambitious dreams. I've always been asking my friends what they want to do after SPM and what they see in themselves in the next ten years or so. Instantly I see where I want to be and I drive for that dream to come true, but my friends will be like "I dunno," and it feels like you are in your own fantasy world.

I just want to get SPM over with because I want to start doing things that I love. I want to explore the world in a way that I've seen through the screen. I want to be known all over the world for something good that I've done. I want to be rich and take my family out and bring them to places we could never afford. I want to be able to live my life without the need to depend on my family or a guy. I want to be tough with the world because I know it's a  battlefield out there. It's driving me crazy to think that I have to wait till SPM is over before I can actually be the girl no one knows about.

I've been talking alot to myself lately, and I've been talking to God alot too, sometimes I miss God more than anything and I fear that God had left me and I'm trying my best to reconnect to Him. Sometimes, having God and Rasulullah is enough to tell you why you're here and why you're doing what you do.

57 days and I'm praying hard for the best that Allah can give me.

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