Saturday, 24 October 2015

My childhood is ending

I realized that next year I'm starting my adulthood. And I've been thinking about my past, the childhood I had and the stories that I'm going to tell to my future children. I've been thinking about the people that loved me and the people that left me. And I've been sleeping on my sins and waking up feeling that devil is sitting on my shoulders. I guess, if I was going to sum up my childhood years, I'd say it was an emotional one. If I was to set this period into stages there be three stages,

Stage one: Clueless
Stage two: Depression
Stage three: Reality

The times I'd say that I was clueless was when I was a kid and I was happy about the moment I lived in, not knowing what the future had in store with me, not knowing that my teenage self would deal things out of the picture and believing that everything would be the sunshine it was on that day.

Not many people know this. Not even my parents. I was depressed for three years of my high school years. There were dark times and I'd think I was bipolar. And then there were days I'd check up online to see what medication can treat depression. But depression lessen when I had friends, having people around you that loves you and treat you like your worth their time makes everything worth while.

And then reality checks in, you found the side of you that you've haven't seen before. You start making changes, and you start losing friends. And then you start to mature and deal with the fact that life works that way and you'll say it's okay. Sometimes when you dream big, you'd get disappointed. Sometimes when you set a goal you'd end up being unhappy anyways.

At the age of 17, I start to realize that you just got to go with it. Whatever comes in store, just go with the flow. That's why for SPM I set mind to do your best rather than pleasing the people around you; live up to their expectations.Because, I've never really been happy despite getting good results with UPSR or PMR. The reason why because I do it more for the people around me rather than doing it for myself. I was scared of letting people down, my parents down. As I grew and matured and found that sometimes happiness comes from your will; I want to do my SPM the best I got. When I come back to take my results, I want to feel that I accomplish something from everything I could give rather than wondering if my good is good enough.

I want to enter university being honest to myself. Not the fake bullshit you give when you meet a stranger. If I'm happy, I'll show it. If I'm annoyed, I'll show it. If I'm sad I'll show it. I want to be that person that used to love learning and excited to start a new day. I want to be able to see my future and have everything in placed. I want to be able to say; "I lived the fullest." And I want God and the loved ones to stay till the end of my last breath.

I want to end my childhood with a bang. I want to be able to tell people,

"It was rough, but I survived anyways"

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