Tuesday, 19 January 2016

People like them

And I don't want to celebrate life during that time, I want to celebrate us.

Assalamualaikum, and hey.

I remembered that chemistry test, the first exam of the year of form four. I remembered answering the questions and I kept feeling the same ache I felt that early 3 am in the morning feel. I was sad, actually I was devastated. I remembered holding onto my pen as my hands kept shaking. I looked around the classroom, everybody had their head down focusing on the exam. I couldn't. I was like, fuck this. I didn't care anymore. Tears started to seep out and I wiped them with my school uniform. Since I have asthma, it's a total give away to tell whether I was crying or not. My chest started to tight in and I kept coughing. Yes, when I cry I cough a lot. Future husband, now you know a piece of my weirdness. My mind was blurred, that night of studying with Afini and Nini was useless. I gave up in trying to ace my first test because I couldn't think properly anymore, especially when I felt weird inside my chest and my eyes kept stinging with it's tears.

The exam was over and everybody was like cheering. Yes, I remembered now, it was the last day of first month examination. Aliah and Aisyah were at the back, being happy as the exam was over and I kept brushing off the tears, convincing myself I should just get over it. But I had to tell them, they need to know, we've been friends ever since I moved there. I went up to them, Aisyah was holding on a chair, Aliah was laughing and I finally said it,

"So my parents aren't going to umrah together anymore" I said.
"Oh why, they want to go seperately?" Aisyah jokingly said
"Well, no..."
"Then?" Aliah asked
"They're getting a divorce"

I remembered the look on their face. Utter shock. Disbelief. Sad. And me on the other hand? I was convincing them that I was totally fine, inside I was just as upset and shocked as they were. They cried for me, and I continued to convince them I was okay and I'm moving on.

Well, I was shitting myself with a lie that broke me into pieces, mentally, physically and emotionally for the entire year.

I guess because of this, I was meaner, reckless, and isolated. But what made me feel the worth of going to school was that I had them. I had them to replace what I felt missing of my parents. The constant fear of me losing a friend was too much to bare, I didn't want to feel emptier like I was already. I already had more shit going on that year, loosing so many friends, people hating me, people making up accusations. That I didn't care as much. I was worried for people like Aisyah and Aliah to leave me. Maybe since then, I got defensive. What ever people said to me, I stood up for myself because I just hated being hurt not knowing that I was adding to more of the hurt.

What made me feel thankful of life was that they stood by me. Despite all the shit I was throwing at them, they stayed. I feel sorry, I'm not the same girl I was in form 3. But the experience did change me into someone that can handle the real world.

They're the parents that I wished to have. They know what makes me happy and what makes me upset instantly. They understand that I don't need to be with them in every lesson to show people that we're friends. We're friends in our own ways. NO matter if we don't always be together, or always be seen together, we know that our best friend is currently at the canteen, sick at home, on a holiday, or at the back of the class. At the end of the day, we're the best of friends. They know that what I say mean well, but I do get overboard and I'm sorry. They are the ones I'd rather run with to the canteen to buy the first chicken rice. They are the ones I'm willing to sacrifice everything so that they don't feel the burden. I'm grateful to have them and I will have them in my life even after we're all off to different paths. 

I promise, that one day when I'm rich and successful, I will bring them on a holiday, just us. And I don't want to celebrate life during that time, I want to celebrate us. How far we've become and how experience has shaped us to what we are.

Friends, well whatever you call them, your best buds, your gang, your forever, your one in a million, your dunia and akhirat, your nose and booger, your heartache heartbeat, whatever it is, let me ask, how do you define them? 

Me? The reason that life is still worth living to find more people like them.


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