Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Emotions




I sometimes wonder why do I get myself into an emotional mess. I wonder why do I bother having high expectations and knowing that there might be outcomes that will break my spirit. Maybe, maybe because that is who I am of a person. I am the kind of person that have all these million ideas running in my mind going wild, feeling happy and excited just by having those ideas and once I actually do them I'm disappointed to why it's not going the way I wished it to be.

Maybe, maybe because I am an emotional mess wreck.

I don't why, but everything little thing makes me cry. Don't get me wrong and think I am a manja brat. It's just that I analyze things too much during my personal time, I over think, I get depressed. Sometimes, I get into a period of thinking of terrible things. I think that's why I have fear for tedious things. Fear of asking my dad's permission to go out with my friends, fear to have/own something that most girls have, fear to be presented the way I want the world to see me as.

I don't like going to the doctors. When I'm sick I'll just pop a pill and go to bed. I don't like crying in front of my parents because I hate them to see that vulnerable side of me. I hate it when people talk down on me and it makes me offensive. I cry when people use me for their own good or entertainment. Like, I don't care if it's a tease but when they're lying to me to a point I feel like a emotional wreck makes me really upset. I hate surprises, I hate it when people do things unexpected to me. I like to know what and when things happen to me. I hate pranks, I hate it so much. Last year, a friends birthday was on that day and I happened to stay back. They threw water and stuffs at people as a celebration, and I happened to be there and they threw water at me. Water? Yeah it doesn't hurt but I hate stuff like that. I was pissed, my school uniform was soaked, I felt itchy, I was cursing, I stormed to the toilet and I cried. Yes I cried because they playfully threw water at me, and all I had to say to myself was "Amira it doesn't matter, they are your friends".

Maybe, maybe the problem is me.

Maybe I should stop being uptight and relax more. Maybe I should smile more. Maybe I should just be happy with the moment I am in.

But that person I am, an emotional wreck, will always be an emotional wreck.
No matter how much I tried, countless google searches, numerous self-notes, prayers, everything, I will always be the girl who cries on tedious things.

The other problem is, I do it when people are not there to see me. Heck, I cried so many times last year because I was upset with many things going on at school yet I just pretended I was a cold hearted bitch and goof around like nobody's business.I don't know why I talk about stupid problems alot in this blog. My blog, my place to talk to myself.

Maybe because of this emotional problem, I have to worst reactions to anything.

I don't get surprise to a surprise, I'm more of hmm okay. I don't get shocked to a news unless it really does worry me. I don't find babies cute, I just don't. Maybe one out of ten babies make my heart melt. I don't go gushing over boys. The ed sheeran thing is all fake, I really don't care at all, I'm like he's amazing, but I don't go crazy. I just pretend because I know my friends have fun teasing me about it. I pretend to act stupid because I enjoy people laughing at me and for once I feel like I make them like me. I am brutally honest, I tell the truth to what I feel. If I don't like something about you I will definitely tell you.


I think, people have no idea what truly makes me genuine for who I am. Maybe one or two friends. Heck, my parents don't know what I like to eat. I think, I am fake. I present myself the way I wished to prove myself on but in the end of the day I will be that girl again. Maybe, I am waiting for that purpose. That something that will be the breaking point of my life. I'm still young, I'm still searching.

Maybe in a couple of days I'll post about what makes who I am. And maybe, in week, I'll write the negative part of me.

There's a lot of maybe's in this post. That shows that maybe, I maybe, still haven't found myself yet. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just talking rubbish. Maybe.

Please ignore all the grammar spelling error, I'm too tired.

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