Wednesday, 10 February 2016

"Nothing is going to hurt me with my eyes shut"

You know that feeling you get during the night when everyone's fast asleep and you're just there on your bed wondering how lucky they are to be sleeping at the moment and you are thinking all these random things. And all these random things transmit into feelings. Sometimes those feeling excites you like the plans you made for the next day but you know anyways you won't really do them, yet planning it out makes you happy. There's also that sad somewhat worried feelings. Then you play a song, you got the earphones plugged in and hooked on; and you intentionally choose a song that would make you even more sad and even more somewhat worried. Yes, I do that all the time. 

My dad would get mad at me for waking up late, (I wake up at 11 everyday, sometimes at 1) and the reason is because I sleep at 4. Like I don't intentionally want to sleep at 4, it freaking scares me to sleep at that time. I am a very *coughs* very considerate person *coughs*, I'm scared my heart will blow up any minute soon if I don't sleep. Poor heart over working. But to come and think about it, I sleep 7 hours like any adult, just that I sleep at a different time. I have all these intentions to sleep early but when the lights are shut, my head laid down on the pillow, my brain starts to think overtime. Bleep you brain for being rajin at the worst times possible.

You might be thinking, why is Shafiqah Amira ranting about her insomnia, well to be exact I am not. I'm just thinking too much tonight than I usually would and I feel the need to write something. Before this blog post, I was writing a story; then I delete it, wrote another one, then delete that. I got writers block. I've been thinking for days of what story to write because I miss the trill of writing a fantasy I secretly wished would happen to me. 

Okay back to reality. Want to know my life so far?

Okay shoot.

Well I went to the U Karnival thingy don't know the name of the festival don't care but basically it's a carnival about universities you can apply for blah blah next step to education blah blah.

I went there with my family but I walked around with Aliah. We walked the whole place, Aliah being the person to break the ice while I'd be the girl the jumps in asking any possible stupid ass questions. I know what direction I want to go, it's just that I don't know the opportunities laid out or the exact course I would choose. But I have a good idea so far. Then after that we went home and I did some talking with my dad about the course I should take. I'm in between Mathematic teachings and culinary. My heart is torn in between those two. Like I've always love the magical world of culinary but after I failed my JPJ test it freaked me out that I would fail at that too. Like what if it was just a minat but not a talent that I can perform, not a carrier to make of? And then there is that Mathematic teachings. I love maths, it's my stress reliever. I want to teach kids and be known as a teacher that the students look upon too. But the I'm afraid I won't be good at teaching and I'm not that brilliant in maths. 

The other fear is that if I take culinary I would regret my decision and vise-versa. 

I don't know. But I do believe that Allah have plans laid out for me already and that I should just go with the flow.

Currently, I miss my friends and I miss talking with certain people. I can't go out because it's either my parents are busy or that I'm too afraid to ask my parents permission to hang out. I'm a chicken when it comes to asking my parents for something. I prefer to keep it to myself and regret it later. So, future husband, you do the permission of hand in marriage because I ain't going to do that. 

What else? Oh I'm fatter now. Well I'm always fat but just fatter now. I don't care anymore.

I'm pulling my hair more. My OCD is worse during the break, trying to stop and let my bald spot grow but it's hard when my hands naturally starts pulling. I haven't talked to anyone on social media for a while now. Like I want to tegur and say hi but I'm scared I'd be a creep.I haven't been on posting much on instagram. I'm like, I dunno, I just hate my face and then I start fearing things and I'd delete anything with my face.I guess overall, I just miss certain people. This is a very random post. But yeay it's almost 3 in the morning, my back hurts, my arms are tired but I'm not sleepy.

I don't know what I'm doing or writing. I guess I should stop now. Thank you for your precious time. I love you, reader. 

P.S. Happy 18th Birthday Muhd/Mohd Afiq Daniel bin Noor Azizi aka Grape, enemies for 4 years, neutral for 2 years, best friends for 4 years. I've known you for 10 years, the days we fought, pulling the tikar, playing that market game, shot death glares at each other, the nights you gave me good ass advices, and your weird weirdness I could relate, and your lack of social abilities to girls and I guess you see me as a dude meh I don't care but I hope you do well in life because man out of the three of us, me Jay and you, I worry about you the most. But heck you do well once you get your head in the game (but your heart in the song) and you promise that you'd name your children by me and I'd be their super cool friend auntie. See ya next week on Tuesday!


  1. you don't have a chat box so.. tag! :)

  2. I'm sorry, but I'll look at the tag and do one! :)